i miss the way that words used to flow from these fingers to these keys like it was completely effortless. like i never had to put any thought into it. i miss the way that i used to have undying inspiration and could stay up for days at a time hyped on adderall and the coffee that was almost permanently attached to my hand. i miss the beauty that i was able to portray with words in a way that impressed anyone who read it (i.e. the only one who read it, my biggest critic and best friend). i miss the connection that i made with myself, the connection that i felt that i had with everything around me.

i wish that the lord would place his hand on my head and make my words infinite. make them like a waterfall crashing to the earth from the heavens through nothing but an intense combination of chemical let-off in my brain and the utter rampage that is the range of human emotion. i miss the insanity that i was, that i made, that i felt completely and utterly, like placing my hands on the heart of an infant and feeling the glow and warmth of his innocence fill me and make me new, make me pure in a way that i haven't been since i was a child.

i want the knowledge that i will be recalled through the words that i write even if my name is wiped away and completely forgotten the way that the ancestors before us are. like those ancient egyptians, who remain a total mystery to the advanced technological world that has become since the simple times of worshiping only the earth and all her children. i miss the dreams and aspirations that i had for myself, no matter how completely unlikely they were to happen.

i want to leave this state, with nothing but my words and that boy, but it seems so wrong now. like leaving would be a form of high treason. and not leaving is a form of high treason, and i don't know why my life is always consistent with nothing else but hypocrisy and inconsistency. and no matter how many days and nights i hope that things will become more simple, more fulfilling, more obvious of the everlasting grace that was meant to be on this planet there never seems to be very many changes. or any changes at all really.

but i still pray because i am nothing without my hope and without my faith and without something to believe in in this world that seems to reek nothing but hatred and death from every pore on the skin of every human being on this planet. because death is the only inevitable thing in this world, and that is the most life-changing thing that anyone can ever know and take into their hearts.

such things are life, and i must learn to accept these things.


i cannot keep on a single topic for the life of me.